We all make mistakes.
We all question our decisions…especially the big ones.
Husband and I went into IVF having done all our research. We discussed all possible options, outcomes, and decisions thoroughly. After waiting that long and having our share of loss, we didn’t want to make a mistake.
That was the last thing we wanted.
We got the call that we had a good embryo and that we were going to do a 5-day transfer. We wrote down all of the important information and were on our way. We were nervous, but excited…it might finally happen for us. We were going to have a baby.
We got to the doctor’s office and got all situated (i.e. half-naked and in stirrups). We had to sign a bunch of papers and the Reproductive Endocrinologist came in to talk to us. We had spoken to our doctor earlier that day and we were definitely going to transfer that good embryo.
Then the R.E. on site mentioned that two of them were of the same quality and asked if we had any “economic, physical, or psychological reason for not transferring two embryos?” At this point, they could have transferred TWENTY embryos…we were high on estrogen. We had waited for this for so long that we didn’t even think twice…yes, put them both in.
Fast-forward 10 months to having two screaming babies in my house without a clue what to do to help them. All they did was cry. Okay, I may be exaggerating here, but things weren’t easy (sounds familiar, huh?).
We couldn’t figure out what to do.
We were sleep deprived.
We were hungry all the time…it was like we couldn’t eat enough food…EVER!
We were bickering (see all of the above for possible reasons).
We had no more family available for a visit to get a break (we just needed a freaking break).
We had no breaks.
Little did I know that I wasn’t producing enough milk and that I was, in effect, starving my children…nah…how would I know that??? Listen, I couldn’t believe they let me take them out of the hospital much less keep them without supervision!
So, it was late one night…both babies were unhappy…we were exhausted.
Husband turns to me, with tears in his eyes, and said the words that I had been sporadically thinking (and then quickly pushing them out of my mind):
“Did we make a mistake? Maybe we can’t really handle two…maybe we made a mistake…”
My heart dropped…he just uttered the words I’d been thinking for days, but couldn’t say aloud. His heart was breaking…my heart was breaking…we didn’t know what to do.
Then it stopped. They both fell to sleep. We fell to sleep. There was silence…peace.
We didn’t really talk about it after that. Things were hard…I realized I was inadvertently starving my children and we eventually turned to formula for sustenance – not all of us…just the babies. There were other times that we felt like we were out of our league, but we stuck with it…after all, what more could we do? This was our JOB…it was our job to parent these two Crazies!
So, you might ask why I share such a horrific anecdote…why I wouldn’t share something happy or cute rather than something horrible that made us question just why we chose to transfer two embryos instead of one. Here’s why…I think that through this journey of multiples (and I only have twins…I couldn’t imagine more), we all question our sanity at one point or another.
We all wonder just what the hell we were thinking when one baby is crying for more milk that just isn’t there and the other baby is screaming to be burped…when one baby is about to fall down and hit his head, but you’re in the middle of a very messy diaper change and can’t leave the changing table to stop aforementioned falling child…when you’re holding both babies in a random stroller-unfriendly locale and one starts to spit up on the other, poke the other in the eye, or wriggle out of your arms and you can’t do anything because if you did, you’d drop both babies. It’s at those points, that we question our sanity.
I just wanted to share this because I need to know that I’m wasn’t the only one who wondered if maybe we made a mistake.
Disclaimer: I love my Crazies. Please don’t question my dedication towards them because I posted this story about a passing moment. Oh, and if you didn’t have the choice…if this just happened to you rather than having a doctor to do it to you, then I’m sure you’ve questioned the sanity of a higher power and I’m pretty sure that’s pretty normal too! By the way, we didn’t make a mistake…best decision EVER!!!
Come visit me at Unexplained X2 if you want to know more about our Crazies!!!
Its so true, at some point you just wonder!? WHy me!? Ours were natural just random freak of nature and there were moments I just wanted to huddle in a ball crying as I rocked back and forth in the corner. :/ BUT it gets so much better and worth it!
We weren't IVF, but in those early days my husband repeatedly asked "Why? Why were WE given twins???" Of course I can't imagine it any other way.
I can empathize wholeheartedly with the entirety of this post. I love your blog, Rebecca!
I often wonder about why we ended up with twins. It's hard. Then I see the show with the quints and I am SO glad I only have two! Love your blog!
Thank you so much for posting this. I completely relate! My husband and I looked at each other after a week or two with our newborns and said "What did we get ourselves into???"
Thank you for sharing your experience -it's nice to hear the other side of the coin too!
I think it's important for you to post this. I'm sure there are so many moms out there feeling the EXACT SAME WAY and they need to know that they're not alone in this. There will also be a whole other group of moms (and dads) that never felt this way and may even be shocked that you did write this. We didn't do IVF but did end up with twins and the first year was so hard that my husband and I had at least one similar conversation…basically about whether we were cut out for kids at all and whether we had made a mistake. Now that they're 3.5, life is so much better (and harder at the same time) and we know now that of course we didn't make a mistake. But during that first year, we certainly had those thoughts.
Wow. I totally could have written that post. I had the same exact feelings when they were newborns. And I was so ashamed because I had tried for 2 1/2 years for them. I felt like I should have been more grateful, but it was just so hard with two babies by myself all day with someone always crying (including me!) Thanks so much for posting this – I think a lot of MoM's feel this way but are scared to admit it.
Oh my gosh! I totally felt the exact same way! It's so overwhelming and you are sleep deprived and have no idea what to do. These were our first and we had no clue what to do with one let alone the second screaming beside him. I know we said the exact same thing many times. Today they are loving 4 year olds and it was so worth it!
Oh boy can I relate to your feelings. I had serious singleton envy after bringing my twin girls from (who also were a product of IVF). I questioned our decision constantly and wondered what we had done (kept it inside my head because I felt so guilty for those feelings).
I had to laugh when you say you would have transferred 20 for a chance and were high on estrogen haha.
Now that my girls are 10 months old…..best decision ever. They are the light in my day and the air I breathe. I now wouldn't have it any other way and now have singleton pity LOL!
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Thanks for keeping it real, Rebecca. My toughest time was when our girls were in the NICU, and I was thinking, "I DID THIS to them…"
Great post…and fun memories thinking about those dual spit-up moments! HA!
Oh, how I can relate…the sleep deprivation, the bickering, the fatigue, the not-enough-milk so-we- turned- to formula struggle! Just yesterday, I had one of those "insanity" moments while I tried to wrangle two hungry babies into one shopping cart with no stroller.
Like you, I know it was the best decision ever.
Thanks for the refreshing honest post!
At some point we all question it! 2 is a lot to handle at one time. I can not even begin to imagine triplets or more!! Sleep deprivation KILLED me. We know you love your crazies!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really needed to hear this from other twin mommies. I've having a rough week with my two month old twins. Some days are great and I feel like Supermom, others not so much and I cry all day!
This morning I cried when my husband left for work because I wanted to be the one leaving!
I love my babes but man, when does it get easier?!
My boys were just a random gift, but there are many days I have to tell myself, "God only give us what we can handle. If He believes in me, I have to believe in me."
Such a good, honest post. My twins were a surprise to me & my husband. My 3 y/o knew though – she insisted from the get-go that "there were 2 in there". Should have listened to her; we wouldn't have been so shocked. Anyway, there were (and still are) so many days that I think about the quote, "God only gives us what we can handle". Then I say, "Well he must have confused me with someone else". There are days, especially the first year, where I would cry right along with the babies because it felt like too much. There were days when I just didn't think I was cut out for this. But thankfully, those days are very few in number and most days I get home from work and just love my daughters up. Most days, I am loving being a mom of 3 girls. Most days 🙂
I think that any multiple parent who denies ever feeling this way is a liar!
Good for you making it so long before you felt this way (or at least exhausted and stressed enough to say it out loud!) The day we found out we were having quads (we did IUI not IVF) when I could finally speak, I asked my husband, "What have we DONE?!?"
We have had bad moments that definitely made us question the whole, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." But we have learned that we made not have had the strength to deal with this when we conceived them, but He makes us stronger everyday.
Oh yes! I was there too. And it's so very frustrating because all you can do is press on.
There was a time when this exact thought went through my mind, "I have my babies (IVF), but the stress of the babies is going to drive hubby and I to divorce."
Alas, we pulled together and got through! I know, now, that it wasn't a mistake.
Oh my gosh. I totally felt this way, even though ours were spontanious. We had a 3 and 5 year old when our twins were born. I cried so much that first year. I kept thinking I was the dumbest mom out there to try to have another baby, because I just sucked at being a parent to so many demanding children. But we survived. I would remember the advice of "This too shall pass." It did, we sleep at night now and now that the twins are 2+, they can often tell me what they need. It's such a relief. That's not to say that every day is a good one, because we still often have rough days.
Thanks for sharing.
I won't say I *exactly* thought that transferring 2 embryos was a mistake. But I will admit to being VERY jealous (at times) of people with "just" one baby. Or to see things on Facebook about what a hard day a mom of a singleton is having and thinking "WHAT is she complaining about? Just come over here and walk in my shoes for an HOUR!" People think having twins is all "Oh they have a playmate!" or "Oh, they were born with their best friend! How lucky!" But it is HARD! It is the hardest, best thing I have ever done.
To Heather (#13)- I felt like things started to come together around the time my girls were 3 months. And then it gets A LOT better when they start sleeping through the night. My one piece of advice is to try to get a shower every day. I put my two 7 month olds in the bouncy seats every day while I shower. Nothing worse than being sleep deprived and stinky. The shower makes me feel like a real person and not just a mom. Good luck!
I have this same fleeting thought, usually at 2am trying to soothe three screaming babies while wiping spit-up off everything in site and trying not to fall asleep standing up.
I agree with Stephanie. When people complain about the "rough day" I want to beat them over the head. I also questiong the sanity of people when they say there really WANT to have twins. Seriously!?!
LOL I often thought this and like I wrote on my blog the other day, I told my work colleague it is normal to think you were crazy for going through all that and wanting twins 🙂
Thank goodness those crazy newborn days are over, right???
Oh yes, we have all been down that road, especially in the mist of a really horrible time (like lack of sleep).
We thought, "maybe we should have spaced them out more" How the hell were we supposed to take care of three under two?
I often tell people that having twins is a blessing and curse at the same time. People don't like to hear that sometimes 😉 But there's some truth to it. It's for sure mostly a blessing… but yeah. It's harder than I ever thought possible.
Hahahaha! Those feelings are completely normal. I have them pretty much daily, sometimes hourly. I laugh because I too thought the nurses were insane to let me take my kids home unsupervised too!
Oh Rebecca, you KNOW I've said that many times in the beginning. In fact, after Garrett and Landon were born, I seriously suggested to Tim that we put them up for adoption.
I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind many times.
Tim and I had a conversation right after we did the transfer for our 3rd IVF, where we transferred 3 embryos against our RE's advice. He wanted us to only transfer 2, we wanted to transfer 4 so we all compromised with 3. We were high on excitement and just desperate to be parents after everything we had been through.
Then we went back to our hotel and the reality set in and we were like, "Oh crap, did we just make the biggest mistake EVER?"
Thanks for sharing this post! It's comforting to know there are other twin mamas out there who have felt this very same way (and aren't afraid to share it with others!!)
Great post Rebecca!!! I am willing to bet even singleton parents have that thought cross their minds at some point in those sleep deprived days! You are just keeping it real!! I actually had 3 transferred on day 3….to this day I still think what if all stuck??? What would my life or theirs be like??? the worst always comes to mind!
Hilarious!!!! We have thought the very same thing in hard moments, and you're right it WAS the best decision ever, doesnt' mean it can't be hard!
OMG I have SO been there. I think it was our second day home, and my husband found me crying in the shower. I turned to him and said, "What have we DONE? Weren't we happy before? Why did we do this?"
Of course I love my children (who just turned 1, by the way!) but bringing home just one baby – let alone two – is a massive adjustment. Not to mention the hormones, the sleep deprivation, and not knowing WTF to do with these two incredibly needy little beings. It is HARD!
Oh boy, there sure were nights that I wondered why God picked US to have twins…really? why'd He think WE could handle this? Its a miracle we all survived and lived to tell about it!
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So honest, and so true. Thank you for sharing this.